Dryness

For the past 4 or 5 months or I've been in this slump in my faith. There's been this distance been God and I that's not normally there, or at least not for long periods of time like this. It's tough to describe. During my Mom's death I felt this intimacy with God, not that I was pursuing Him through that, but that He was right there beside me as I was going through it, knowing that I didn't have much to give and He was there to just be enough for me, but I didn't have it in me to pursue Him. Over the past months, I've tried to meet God where I'm at, but it's seemed hollow on my side, like I was going through the motions. I'd sit down to read the bible or pick up a book and just not connect with what I was reading. Normally, I feel like I can just push through this. In the past I felt like if I was diligent in spending time each day reading, journaling and praying that I could snap myself out of my slump. Given enough self-discipline, I could pick myself up by my own bootstraps. This time, I felt like I didn't really even want to do that. It's a weird place for me to be. I've been dealing with life on my own terms and doing alright at it. My communication with God has been more of an on-the-go kind of conversation, but nothing intimate. I know it's not a great long-term solution, but it's been working alright and I just haven't been able to move on my own. I'm all for talking about the good stuff God's doing in my life and the way I'm being challenged and changed, but it's not as easy to throw out there the stagnation. Luckily I've got great friends who know me well and meet me where I'm at with this kind of stuff.

I sat down the other day and wrote in my journal for the first time in 4 months. I did it after reading the Bible as a part of this "Reading the Bible in a Year" thing that my friend Brad setup for Will, Mark, Eli, Bob, Matt and a bunch of other guys. It's a cool setup managed through Crosswalk.com's web site. It gives you a list of sequential readings each day (about 15-20 minutes worth) and allows you to see what you're supposed to read and update your progress accordingly so your friends can see where you're at as well within the group and offer encouragement and accountability. At the very least, it's got me moving. Inertia is always tough for me to get through, so this is a good start. I'm reading with some renewed interest, I'm journaling again and trying move towards a deeper level of intimacy in my walk with Jesus, back to where I know it can be, to where it's been for me in the past.