I've been going back and forth between this blog and my more private, paper-journal. I'm having problems figuring out what to put where. I like my blog, because I can type faster than I can write, and things flow better. There are things in my journal that I don't put in my blog, and my journal is more of a conversation with God than a random mumbling. The overlap is when I'm laying out to God where I'm at in my life, a lot of which occurs here. Just the process of thinking through these kind of things enough to write them out is kind of meditative and clarifying. When I'm more focused on my blog, most of my initimate conversation with God happens throughout the day instead of during the time I set aside in the morning. My relationship with God lately feels less intimate and more cereberal. I think this is why I was pretty melancholy last night during the PS.42 service. The focus was on our re-creation and re-generation over the summer. We started out by journaling around what our summer looks like in terms of going deeper with God. The picture that comes to mind for me is sitting quietly on my deck first thing in morning, and in the evening, with a cup of coffee or glass of scotch and cigar (scotch and cigar in the evening) reading, relaxing and thinking. I'm probably just getting old, but that's what resonates with me for quality time this summer. During the worship that followed, I was kind of inside myself, chewing on this question, and pondering the question of how I desire God. I began to beat myself up and feel pretty ashamed at what a horrible job I do pursuing God as my one desire, and became pretty overwhelmed at the idea that I would ever achieve that. It was then that I heard God's voice speak through the chaff, and remind me of who I am to him, his David, the name that he's given me, the identidy that he's given me. It was kind of surreal, but these words were like light shining through a foggy darkness. I'd been trying to figure out how I'd get to where I need to be on my own - to use the metaphor of the kite from PS.42, like a kite that I'm running with to keep aloft instead of waiting for the wind to do the job. I so often want to change instantly, and not wait on God. The second question we journaled on was around what needs to be recreated in us this summer. Two things for me - I need to continue to redefine my orbit and daily renew my identidy in Christ. Neither of which I will do on my own, neither of which I CAN do on my own. I will try and be patient, try and trust, but I can't really do either of those on my own either. I want so badly to be reformed, that I forget that it's not me doing it, not my job. I know that I still am not completely convicned of this, but I know that I need to wait, to be obedient and to follow.